EVERYTHING in his house was frozen in time. It turned into an argument and then they came down. Its closed to general searches but you can ask to be invited. Basically she thought she was going to get a $200,000 ball park home for the balance on a mortgage that was originally around $30,000 and hes been paying on it for at least 8 years. Never issue empty threats. Im very very worried that in some way its related to his marriage and that even if hes unaware, its because on some subconscious level he cant move on. Tonny Robbins, Hold on is believing that theres only a past, letting go is knowing there is a future I had my concerns if my investment of time and heart would leave me empty handed in the end. . When in doubt, evaluate actions. I appreciate your comment. me to her. Just steady progress and the widowed should want to make steps to show love a care and make u feel loved. You can acknowledge it and learn to deal and live or you can drink too much, isolate yourself, wallow, and hurt other people with the one step forward/two back games. They cant/dont recognize this. At this point, they are stalling in the hopes that you will just give up and go away. I expect that you make the necessary changes and choices in your life to secure the LIFE that YOU have told me YOU wanted. How can I run away from something so beautiful, something so true? Thank you for taking your time and reply to my comment. What you wrote made me cry. This whole relationship has been built around his shit or the parents which I will get to in a bit. Whatever he and his LW did is history and not a blueprint for the two of you. And calling the shots? He keeps telling me he doesnt want to rush anything because his kids are still coping with the lost of their mother. We live together and share gardening but its always your yard looks good dad. However he has not ever said he loves me (says it took him 10 years to tell his wife that) and a photo of her is on the living room wall as well as a family photo overlooking his/our bed. Its not a reflection on you. When we first got together he had a wonderful paying job. Maybe at Xmas he will present her with a ring, then she will , move out, and leave her father right in the lurch, House empty over the winter, us paying for all the bills and upkeep. The direct approach, while it might not turn out as you hope, is better because there is no dragging things out and analyzing this and that conversation, email, FB post. The relationship likely will not be successful if your time spent together involves you lamenting the loss of your spouse with your new partner consoling you. There are really deep issues here. Final note, social media is a minefield for widowed. So, are you doing the right thing? Pictures drawn at school of me and mom together father day cards and letters. Cut no man (or woman) slack because theyve been widowed. There is a living love. Dont settle for less. Please dont lie to me or cheat on me or, like the man who came before you, leave me. It makes me feel her absense is more profound than my presence. Narcissists really show their motives and true nature at times like Xmas, Thanksgiving, on birthdays etc. Good luck. In my opinion, people who use the past as a way to dodge whats not working in the now are playing the widow card in the worst way. In meantime, you are happy, yes? This eye-wateringly tasteless decor, that I could hardly wait to change, had to a large part been installed by this little brat, as a mid to late teen, before she moved out. A final thing, he is going to think about his LW. We met only 3 months after his wifes sudden passing. Chris Murray, Everyones got a past. Thank you. These other people did not break our hearts, stomp on them, cheat on us, divorce us; we did not fall out of love with them. So I am going to call off for now. Bitches like that ruin a man for future relationships. Grief has its bumpy moments but he choose to be in a relationship with you and he has obligations there as well. And theres no rush. **gosh i need some real advice**know its Christmas eve but Im reaching out for some advice to anyone or if you know of someone who could answer. I sit here typing my thoughts and some whip through my mind leaving only downed branches of thought, scattered and incomplete. Couple of comments up I recommended Suzy Welchs book to David. His beloved wife passed away from cancer 7 years ago. With sensitivity and tact, it's possible to find ways to talk about his late wife while ensuring you both feel safe and comfortable with the topic. Thats wrong. Or will you look back in another two years and wish youd made a change? Well he was respectfully persistent,he even had his son who is in the air force and worked at the white house to put a plug in for himSo i agreed, and I am so happy I did and did not judge him being a widower by my previous experience, he was definitely ready to move on, Unfortunately they were in process of a divorce when she got sick and diedso that is a whole different dynamic, anyhow long story short, He just proposed and I accepted, we have been dating for 6 months now, and there have been no red flags..My entire family adores him, all 5 kidsand the feeling is mutual with his family, So my story has a happy ending, just a very unexpected one. I truly enjoyed our conversations and we had so much in common. But also in order to move forward in a healthy manner you must move forward with your new life. I have been in so many up and downs with this man, I really dont know where to start. Ensure that your new partner will be able to handle the fact that youve been married before and will continue to love your former spouse. I have read a bit of the motherless daughter stuff but while I agree that growing up without a parent poses issues that take some kids longer to cope with than others, I tend to side with your Ws older daughters assessment her little sister has always been this way. When shelly and I are with the children say camping out to dinner, fishing, whatever were doing as a family feels just like a regular family, hugs, kisses, treats ect. See if your good enough and jump through endless hoops and then you die Ill put your picture up there with hers. Wouldnt it be nice if we could have a talk with the dead wife and The problem is that I am in a two years old relationship. The process of sustaining a living love instinctually still remains after Susan has left but the fruit of my labor as harvested through my senses will never again be realized. This widower thing to some men is a trap to play on women. That doesnt mean that we dont talk about our pasts. Now thats a little of the back story, so here comes the question.Im not questioning if he loves me or not(at this point), but I am wondering if their is a process when it comes to a W dating or approaching a serious relationship again? He will do the same when he is ready and I am no longer threatened by it. I have fallen head over heels over him. I was reluctant to meet with him but eventually decided to go as I felt that I should support any person in such a situation no matter what would have happened before. And as I have told many people whove come here, its good to sit and talk things through with someone in your real life who actually knows you and your situation. . But it is not out in the open, it is stored away in my closet and I never pull them out. The one issue is that he cant say those 3 little words. Why they are searching the Internet for the answer to a question that only their widower can provide, I hesitate to guess though I bet I could. This does not bother me so much as i have lost my desire for that lifestyle as i have gotten older another issue he has is my like for being noticed for my appearance, i posted a photo of myself in a bikini on my facebook simply because i thought i looked damn good for my age in a bikinihe however said i was just putting myself out there for someone to make lewd comments and why did i feel it necessary to look for reaction from people I, in no short order, told him that i was proud of my appearance and thought his implication of my actions just told me he thought i was just being a slut.. i told him i was very pissed off that he had even gotten upset because i have other such photos on my facebook, he later apologized and felt very bad. Its definitely developed quickly into the love that many never get to experience. Im not asking for anything unreasonable just what most people would want from a relationship, male or female. I think the thing I am most hurt with is that she would always tell me I am the happiest I have been in years, even including the last years of her previous marriage. I have met his family and friends and I am treated very well by them. Nothing important should b discarded or thrown out. They would send pictures of the deceased on t shirts to the house for the kids and shelly. Its his right to grieve as he needs to (and yes, we can grieve and be in new relationships. When dating a widowed man, it's best to leave your judgment at the door. A long time ago I walked into the room of this elderly lady with I presumed her husband sitting beside her. Hi Ann, I have been talking with a man I went to school with 35 years ago, he had a crush on me then, but he was quite the nerd. Though it is possible that there is something related to his LW that is at the root of his ED, it is just as likely that there isnt. In the end, the question becomes how much do you mean to each other and is it enough to find mutually satisfying solutions? If youd read her posts, you might have been surprised be the fact that she was dating at all b/c she clearly wasnt ready. I explained that although I am very empathetic and sympathetic and it hurts me to see him hurting that I can not be second best in his life if he is still emotionally conflicted to such a degree. Thank you for this post. And for the past years, I thought I was doing a good job at keeping people at arms length. He may be making excuses and trying to get you to hang around until he knows what he wants or finds someone he wants more, or he could simply be afraid or unwilling to tell you the truth that while he likes you, enjoys what you two have, he doesnt see himself marrying again or at least marriage with you. 16. Moving on is not something you can help him with. Forget about whats transpired and what he promised and what you two planned. He badly needed them anyhow, and I also hoped this was a step along the path to renting it out. Like a teenager, Id catch myself smiling even laughing again; the unmistakable twinkle in my eyes back after so many years of fine. Your love made me feel alive again. My concern is that although he moved from the home he shared with his late wife, the new home still has photos on the wall (wedding portrait) and others of the family (him, her and the children) along with a great deal of items that were hers (not personal items) things that were her decorating style. There were many of times where I choose to walk away(knowing we were becoming too close). What do you want? Younger men are drawn to older women for a variety of reasons, but the most prevalent is that they appreciate the maturity and experience that comes with being older. I know he loves me and truly believe he does. This weekend I will be going to a family gathering to meet his extended family. He will not retreat or play now you see/hear from me and now you dont games. There's often a concern that people will think they must not have loved their spouse if they're seen dating a new partner. There are 5 signs that the widower is actually ready to have a serious relationship and not using you to fill the hole in his heart or simply warm his bed at night. There is not much info out there and even these comments are places where someone else can find insight. Urns especially. Especially for two people whove been through emotional hurt. You might be that reason and you might not be. Some within months and the younger they are, the sooner they date. In which case, you need to look out for you and do what you need to heal and move on, but if he comes back (and that happens too) and wants another chance, it would be a good idea if youve thought about what you want and how this can reasonably happen. This will require you to make tough decisions, such as whether or not to get married again, and whether you will move in with your new partner. It doesnt mean that he isnt ready. I bought into the Cosmo Girls credo that if I was patient and quiet about my own needs, someone would eventually note that. Best to simply stop getting on that train. One thing, you mention that he says he is still in love with his wife and wants to get her out of his system before moving on. Nothing good comes of filling in blank spaces with your own imaginings. Hopeless romantic. What they are looking for is validation. "Every so often, ask about how she would have handled special events, such as family birthdays and Christmas," Annie says. He says its nothing to do with her in any way but maybe it is? Even being widowed myself, I would not be cool with it. You owe him nothing. But if he doesnt, can you live with this? My ex cheated on me with a woman 15 years his junior after 17 years of marriage. And if he isnt, its an opportunity for you to decide if he is really the person you thought he was and if you want to continue seeing him. Thank you and thanks for replying. Must be a twit that is allowing some adult child to rule her, so sees no better. Thank you for your input, and insight. If your grief is so severe that you cannot refrain from talking about your loss every time you and your new partner are together, youre probably dating too soon after the death of a spouse. I am a widow who was married to a wonderful guy for 37 years. But you know him. They are aware if you are a widower and many would love to see you start dating while widowed. But, I want a solid, exclusive relationship with this amazing man. I wrote another post about the 10-10-10 method of working through decisions. I understand his feelings, God knows I wasnt ready to date much less live with someone not even 2 years after my husband passed but it still makes me sad to leave him. What you do is still up to you. And will he expect you to be the one who puts needs and feelings aside every time the road gets bumpy? However, I know of situations where meltdowns have led to greater understanding, formulating plans for moving forward and long-term commitment though the latter happens less frequently. Whatever you decide to do, think about it a bit before making a decision. There is no more crying from them. Its comforting to realize we are all bumbling and fumbling around on the path. I hope things turn out the way you hope. Not until he makes it clear that this is what they have to do. I think anyone who truly cares about a new partner will listen and engage in discussions so mutually agreeable solutions can be found. When I lost him t. An avatar though is a representation of who you are right now and where you are. Her sulkiness was attributed on those occasions to getting over flu or this or that. but the thing is that when you are moving on and dating, a widowed person also needs to be super sensitive to make sure that they are not asking things of their new partners that isnt reasonable. If you throw the widow card a lot, you might not be ready. I know that teenage and young adult children often are ambivalent or resistant (or hostile) about widowed parents dating/marrying again. Too, he says he wants me to focus on school. Its a choice. It seems though from your description that you and your boyfriend have a few other issues like his trusting you for a start and perhaps his comparing your relationship to the one he had with his late wife. Your husband cant use a long dead wife as a way to avoid ownership of his cheating or to explain away the fact that he is playing both you and this other woman (because if he is telling you lies, its a safe bet that he is telling her lies too). Okay so why am I here? 6 months is not a long time. Though they've never met, Susan knows the woman's face well. I felt like my space, privacy, was invaded. He had plans of retiringand talks about growing together. BOOT went the marginally employed house husbandish, boyfriend! I would visit his home and was building a genuine bond with his 3 hurting children. He said he is interested in starting a serious relationship with me that would lead to marriage. All Rights Reserved, if you feel the need, you should take steps to find it, Children on one or both sides of the relationship will need a lot of consideration, A will drawn up designating the beneficiaries and what they are entitled, celebrating anniversaries or special occasions, Its important to give your relationship time to grow and develop. All I know is that he is a planner, and does have his own timeframes for the things he does. I said congratulations to the both of them. Everything else is exactly the same and you will make the exact same mistakes you did before in terms of poor communication and unspoken expectations unless you realize that you need to put what you learned in your marriage to better use and avoid those traps. Hes definitely still in the grieving process but it is more from the traumatic experience of the way he lost her. she had her time with himthis is mine til i die. Many people dont realize how hurtful it is when they grieve via socially media for all to see when they are also in new relationships. Communication the freedom to have discussions without fear is what makes or breaks most relationships. ", Similarities to the deceased spouse seen in photos around the house might be a tip-off that a new partner is doing little else than filling a void. im i the first one to chat him or just wait for him to come home this sunday? Just sayin.. You are talking about new/earlier relationship things that everyone back in the dating world after years and years away deals with and this blog post is talking about people who use their widowhood to guilt new partners into excusing bad behavior. Are you wondering if there's something you can do or say that can make the wi. Knowing yourself and respecting their past are essential for this love to grow. I broke it off with him because I She writes website content about mental health, addiction, and fitness. He came back a changed man. Did he date and remarry too soon? I really in this situation dont have anyone really to talk to about this. 13. Its not a couples activity. . Ann, thank you.. i will respond with some details later, I have to say that I agree with you completely. He asked me before I came over for the first time if I wanted him to take stuff down, it was really important to him that I am comfortable. At his point, you only owe yourself primary consideration and whatever you decide, you might want to ask yourself if you will still be okay with that decision in a few months or years even if it doesnt work out as you hope. We do ourselves a complete disservice and let irresponsible partners off the hook when we make excuses for their bad behavior. Happiness is a choice. The power and size of it unfathomable. Yes somewhat because I must share him and I think that is the hard part for some. Given that you are dating, intimate and its been six months, its not inappropriate to ask. I have never questioned or criticized her presence in this way, but rather welcomed it as an ongoing stage of the grieving process. When he got really depressed he tended to push away from me and that was really difficult. If he was divorced, would you be patient with his on/off behavior? Closure is really something you give yourself when you decide its okay to let go. The . Ha!!!! His lack of memorabilia means nothing really nor does the fact that he doesnt talk about her. You went the I should be understanding and good person route when you should have said, Ok, do you need any help?. Those things dont mean that we cannot fall in love and love fully another person on the contrary. If it helps someone, I am glad. Yes, she working, in quite a good job and she had brought a b/f with her who was also contributing. Sometimes he comes to mine for sex. So many take to the library known as the Internet in search of the elusive thing aka closure and dont ever find it, but they werent really looking for it. If he cant handle that, then to hell with him. He isnt choosing that and you would like him to but cant figure out a way to help him, so let me say this again you cant help him. In addition, many people are saying exactly what they mean when they say things like dont expect too much.. She is playing catch up now on a newly wed sis with a brand new modern house. Only you can decide. Its normal. I asked about her children, she replied I have three grown children each with their own children now. If the pics bothered you or prompted questions you should have just asked. Surviving spouses may feel torn between honoring the memory of their deceased loved one and pursuing their own happiness. He keeps saying he needs time to make things right in his head and does not want to loose me and what we have. Two married women fell in love with each other's husbands and later tied the knot, IANS reported. He says even holding hands feels a little weird at this moment. I want my life with you. I dont know what to do, I dont want to hurt him but a fulfilling, passionate, exciting and varied sex life was going to be the one thing that I could offer him that she couldnt and now there seems no hope left. There is no reason why you cant work on whatever is holding the relationship back as a team. Be careful when trotting out made for tv generalizations. You might want to give that a quick look. Yes. She offers private coaching and retreats to support her male and female. Once I found out he had a gf and a baby on the way I shut out any possibilites of anything growing. I really dont think they appreciate what we go through to be with them. survival. Thanks for any advice! I hope things work out for you, but I think you might have to take some steps to jumpstart this if you want that to happen. Want to have a happier, healthier marriage? Hes since outlived two girlfriends and his current relationship is well over a dozen yrs along. ), Its kind of a friends with benefits thing. You dont have to do anything. . I understand grief does not ever end and its a different dynamic than dating a divorced person. Ann, your words ring loud and true. This seems to be a normal reaction because when a loved one dies, you dont stop loving them or feeling a sense of obligation to them. People move on at different speeds and for some, moving on does not mean a relationship that leads to anything more than just companionship. Take him at his word. There are widows who remarry but still remain emotionally faithful to their late husband but there are just as many who realize how lucky they are to find love again. I dont know if he is truly just looking out for his kids best interest at heart. Is it worth the discomfort of a conversation (and I think that discomfort is never a good reason to avoid having necessary talks), tell you boyfriend how you feel and why. It just happens to be framed in the context of the lady you are dating being a widow. Tjhe nice sister told me that again and again she has told the minx sister to get therapy. But thats not going to happen overnight. My question am I the bootie Call he knows how I feel and will in emails tell me he is not ready but then when I say well if things change you know my number and then I hear from him get my hopes up and we are back to the one night a weekend of hanging out.I am 48 he is 53 how long is too long to wait for a man you love ? I agree with your Widower that you usually know when youve found the one or the next one. Limited-Time Deal on Marriage Course. I did not know that for a very long while. I am just one take on this though and certainly not a mainstream one. Its history. I expect you have expectations of me and to let me know what they are. The day after I wrote this she told me, these are very reasonable. I was only back on for a week when I was messaged by my current boyfriend. Quite apart from the judgements and opinions of others in these situations, our own emotions can be really . You have no commitment here and at best just a friendship that has been more and may or may not be more again but thats entirely up to him (it seems) and really, you should have a lot more say in your own future than simply hanging around and hoping he catches a clue. The first time we had sex there were pictures of him on the night stand. Like the road would just take me there because I was following all the rules. My wife passed gently into the early morning hours the silent time. and spending time with friends, youre probably ready to jump into the dating world. Generally, I tell people to speak up if something is bothering them and if its really eating at you, you should, but in this instance, I think it really is something that time will take care of given that your relationship is new and growing. I dont think being the secret significant other is healthy for any of the involved partners. Il love her very much and I would give her anything she every wanted. You owe that to yourself. Make the meals, do the washing . Its your life. Like an empty whole, just void of emotion.. He came to my hometown for a week, introduced me to his sister that very night we got home and I would be sitting in my computer room and look out my window in the morning and there he would be, and it made my heart melt, but since he has been away he has really been grieving bad, no sexting, no deep conversations and he has been sleeping on the beach my her bench for about 2 weeks now, is this normal? Dont frame your decision as anything other than what it is you deciding what is best for you. I felt I was waiting for this operation to be over for us to make decisions together, as a couple, and move forward. You have been a constant part of it for the past 25 years, a familiar voice, a friendly face, a comforting presence duringthe ups and downs of my life. My fiances remedy to this was to tell this damn girl she was renting to own by taking over this mortgage. He was very nervous at first but we really had a great time together. Her sister was only 4 years older than her, her sister bore the brunt. It will take a while for them to process their grief and loss. First, you are in a long term relationship that has issues. Dont worry so much about him. Her younger daughter is a bitch on roller blades, as I have heard was her mother. I expect you be honest with me at all time as I do to for you. Or not doing. The stuff has to come down. Its a journey in faith. The choice is yours. But I get that its hard not to feel hurt. If that means a relationship where you are more into it than he is, and this is really okay with you, you certainly wouldnt be the only person who has ever done this. Think about it as though it were a life plan or goal.